Self Destructive Thoughts

Hello again! Today I would like to talk about a topic that I struggle with since the beginning of my journey as a software developer. I think some other people in this field, especially self-taught developers, may experience the same thing.

Impostor Syndrome

Ever since I started to teach myself how to code I suffer from impostor syndrome. I come from an engineering background, so I would say I know how to think logically. But keeping up with the constantly evolving landscape in software developing (especially since the rise of AI) is very challenging.

I have been working as a software developer for roughly two years now. I made some pretty good progress during this time: six months internship, six months junior developer, 12 months mid developer, and soon I will become senior developer. On paper it seems like I am on the fast track. But it does not feel this way. I always feel like there is still so much that I do not know and so many things I need to improve on. While one would argue this is a good trait, it can also be dangerous for one’s self-esteem. I constantly question myself and think I may miss some stuff. It’s a nagging feeling that’s always lurking around.

Comparing Myself with Others

A negative trait of mine is that I compare myself to others. I see nearly everything as a competition. When scrolling on social media and seeing other people’s work I want to compare it to my work and I will be unhappy if theirs is better. At work it’s the same. I always try to write better and cleaner code than other people. On one hand, having a competitive mindset is great, but somewhere you have to draw the line. Nearly everyone at work has more experience than I have. Of course, they write better code most of the time. Instead of being sad about that, I should be thankful to learn from them. I try to shift my mindset, but I’ll admit it’s not always easy.

Especially if I use social media apps a lot, I get back into this mindset. Everything is full of ragebait titles and everyone seems to have the strongest opinion or is an expert. On one hand, social media can be good to connect with people, but for me it often acts as a multiplier of my bad habits. Instead of feeling inspired, I end up comparing myself even more. So I try to stay away from it and often it makes me feel better.

Not Being Okay With Making Mistakes

I think the most destructive thought is that I cannot be okay with making mistakes. I beat myself up over small errors I make and do not see an opportunity to grow from them. This is especially true if someone else sees my mistakes. If they happen in the dark, not visible to anyone else, it is okay and I can fix them. But if other people notice them, I feel very bad. Especially at work. It’s not that I am not admitting them. I am very honest about the mistakes and take full accountability. But I have the feeling it’s too much sometimes. It’s not healthy anymore.

Currently there is this one project at work where I was solely responsible for the key feature of the product. After some testing, a coworker mentioned bad performance and it was due to my approach to writing the code. Along with that, he mentioned a couple of other small mistakes I made but said it’s okay to make mistakes and I should not worry too much. Yet instead of moving on, I stressed out so much over it that it overshadowed everything else.

What To Do Against This

I want to get rid of these self-destructive thoughts. Although each of them has its "benefits," e.g., they make me want to become better every day, they are the wrong motivator. I am pretty sure that the root cause for these thoughts is that I tend to claim my self-esteem from how others perceive my work. Instead, I should focus more on the things I truly care about and learn to celebrate my own progress. Praising myself more often, even for small wins, could help me build a healthier mindset. Furthermore, I should memorize that each person’s path and progress is different and each and every one has different strengths and weaknesses. The only person I should compare myself against is myself. I should still strive to become a better person/programmer each day but not by competing against others. Finally, I need to embrace mistakes. Failure is part of success. One cannot exist without the other. Every failure is simply another step toward growth.

Keeping this in mind, I hope to get rid of the thoughts and ultimately become a happier, more balanced person.

Have you struggled with self-destructive thoughts in your life or career? If yes, feel free to comment! Happy coding!